Wednesday, July 13, 2005

All Kinds of Crap

Most of my posts lately have just been men rambling. This one won't be any different.

First things first: Fantastic Four!

The big question is, Does it suck?

No. It doesn't blow me away, but it doesn't suck The biggest problem in the movie lies with two characters: Reed and Sue. It's obvious after that no one got what makes their relationship interesting, Warren Ellis gets it, just go read Ultimate Fantastic Four, he'll knock your damn socks off. But, Hollywood doesn't get it. The Reed that we know would have never stopped to go walking (or whatever it is they go do) with Sue, nor would he have (at least at this age) made so many mistakes, but to make the film convenient and accesible (read: dumbed down), things were changed. But, they did get Johnny and Ben...mostly. Maybe it's the actors who got them rather than the writers/director/studio, but whatever it was, it worked, like I said, mostly. Like the two summer fliks before it (Batman Begins and War of the Worlds), FF is too damn covenient for me. I understand that things need to happen to advance the plot, but do you have to make them so easy? Was it really necessary for Doom to gain superpowers? He's supposed to be brilliant for Christ's sake, the simple fact that Reed scarred him and took Sue would have been enough drive to make him seek the destruction of the Four. But, Doom (at least in his more human state) does come across far better than Sue and Reed. Alba is okay as Sue, but honestly you never buy her scientist act, I never thought of Sue as a drop-dead sexy woman, though she can be, I always envisioned her as the mom from Growing Pains (and Alan Thicke would have been flippin brilliant as fact, that whole cast might well have been good as the FF, and there was once a female version of Thing...there's even a little kid to play Franklin, jeez that works so well it's frightening!!!!), kinda cute in that really smart way, but maybe thats just me. Plus, it's not really Alba's looks that are to blame (she is mighty damn fine, John Byrne be damned), it's her acting, she just doesn't have the depth, and seems to be coasting. I really can't say anything about Evans as the Torch, other than PERFECT, and Chiklis almost nails Ben Grimm, the voice just didn't feel right, why would his voice change that much? I just didn't really go for that. All the powers look and feel as good as they possibly can in a live action format, and it is uber-cool to see Johnny lighting up and soaring in the skies, but everything else is just same-ol-same-ol. Hulk did a better job with the "brute" aspects in my opinion, but Chiklis brings heart to the character that CGI wouldn't have. Reed's powers are always laughable, and I don't think they can be played seriously, it's just a flat-out oddball thing to be able to do, even in a world of unbelievability, and, well, being invisible onscreen is hardly something to praise. Only the Torch has that "holy crap, we haven't seen that before" thing going for it, the rest of them just can't compete (yes, because we already saw it in The Incredibles). It's a decent family-popcorn flik, it's better than War of the Word's for certain, and I liked it as much as I liked Batman Begins, which could be seen as damning since I wasn't thrilled with that movie either. There are a lot of problems, mostly with the plot and the obvious studio interference. Not the worst, but not the best, a definite matinee movie. As a side-note, if they were going to make a movie full of holes and cardboard acting, I'd have liked to see them stay truer to the origins of the FF, and make it sort of an obviously bad-50's-sci-fi-film kinda thing, and have lots of monsters, at least a giant monster underground (which War of the World's had...).

I have a new review up, Bone Vol. 1 The Color Edition, so go over to the Galaxy and check it out. Shan hoke has a new Size Matters up as well, always good reading. In fact, go ahead and read anything you see there, even if you've already read it! Don't worry, I'll be here when you get back. (PSST...Rob Vollmar's International Geographic kicks ass... really sexy ass)

He-Man didn't suck as much as I feared it would. It's an idiotic trip into my mostly forgotten childhood, and a slightly homo-erotic one at that, but not a sucky one. Now, where's my She-Ra dammit!

I saw Finding Neverland. If you haven't seen it, stop reading this and go freaking rent it! Geez!

That reminds me of the gayest conversation I've ever been a part of, at work at least (abridged):

MY BROTHER: National Treasure is good, it's Bruckheimer, it's fun, and Nicholas Cage is great.

ME: Is it better than Pirates?


ME: No way, Pirates has Depp, Depp trumps Cage.

MY BROTHER: You're crazy, Cage is waaaay better than Depp!!

ME: Give me Depp anyday.

DANIEL (a listener until this point): :::laughs::: So you're into Johnny Depp?

ME: Well, he's definitely better looking than Nic Cage.

MY BROTHER: No way, Cage is better looking, Depp is kind of creepy.

DANIEL: I don't know, if I had to stick my penis in one of them, it would definitely be Johnny Depp.

It gets worse from there, and eventually devolves into a comparison of films, in which Depp reigns supreme, despite Cry Baby.

Did you see my DVD list?

So, there's this big convention this weekend (San Diego Comicon), and being the broke-ass (though it's my own fault, admittedly) geek that I am, I can't afford to go. I don't think I'd want to anyway, just too much geek. But, there's a small convention in Atlanta this weekend though, so I'll drive up there and check it out. Plus, a museum up there has a superhero exhibit, I'll be investigating that and writing it up in a future column!

Let's blame the video games.

If they don't stop I'll get a gun and go on a killing spree. You've all been warned.

George Lucas is from another planet.

See, the three suns fried his brain...

Maybe DC and Marvel can sue these guys too.

Surely it's violating some law that they just made up.

There are lots of times when I wonder what the hell I'm doing blogging about stupid ass geek culture when real-world things are so much bigger. Does it really matter what I thought about anything when today 12 children in Iraq were killed by a suicide bomber? No, no it doesn't.

I don't get into politics, especially here, but I honestly wish the guy that did this hadn't died. Death was certainly too good for him, at least a death he believed in, one that he likely thought would get him a pass to whatever heaven he has envisioned. In what kind of religion or belief, fanatical or not, can the slaughter of children be condoned.

None, be it Christian, Muslim, Jewish, whatever. The things we were doing hundreds of years ago, the things Hitler did decades ago, and the things that are happening now, they all baffle me.


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