Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The Fall- A.K.A. Another "Important" Post

Recently read a post by a noted blogger who mentioned fall being such a odd time for him. It always seems to be about change, new growth, and even the loss of something. I find it weird that I've always felt the same way, but maybe it's not weird, does everyone feel this way?

The leaves start to change, and fall off the trees. The climate gets bitter and cold. Being sick is more common. With all the holidays clumped together the way they are towards the end of the year (I guess that depends upon your background though...) you see more of your family. Unless you don't have close family, in which case loneliness is probably an everyday thing as other fly off to be with theirs.

Now, as depressing as that may sound, I've always loved the fall. Maybe it's the oddness, the way it makes you feel. Mostly though, I think it's because it does make me feel. I never need a calendar or a weather man to tell me when the weather's about to turn, I can always feel it in my heart.

That may sound stupid to most of you, but it's very true. The Fall has always been the most emotional time of the year for me. Seems every really good, or really bad thing that's ever happened to me has happened in the last four or five months of the year.

Statistically that's probably impossible, but it's the way I've always felt. This year is no different. My grandmother is very ill, has been for over a month now, and has taken a turn for the worse in the last two days. Before I get into it any further, I apologize in advance if I make anyone uncomfortable, or if this feels in any way like apity party.

It's been quite some time since I've seen her, which I regret nearly every day, and I don't talk ter her as often as I used too. Of course she used to be one town away, and now she's a good fifteen hours away. Still, it's no excuse.

I'm probably getting away from my point, but hopefully you'll indulge me for a bit.

At one time in my life I was very close to my family, as I'm sure many people were, but once I graduated from high school it seemed like everyone began to drift away. Both family and friends in fact. It's been seven years since then and half of my family lives quite a distance away from me.

I could rationalize it and say they chose to move,not me, but honestly, it doesn't change anything. I still miss them on occasion, and never more so than in the Fall.

I could go into tons of detail about the various things that have happened to me emotionally during this season, but I won't. But I'm going to talk about a few.

It was also when we found out my brother had cancer. Add to that, it's was towards the end of Fall that he went into remission, albiet a few years later. My one and only niece was born it the fall, and I saw her today. She has a smile that can light up a room, and she's only four. She's one of my very favorite persons in the world, and it warms my heart each time I see her. Unfortunately it's usually only near her birthday.

The longest relationship of my entire life began in the Fall of the year, actually, two of my longest relationships, romantic and friendly began during the season. There are a several birthdays that come around this time, including my Mom's and Grandmother's. There's more, but like I said, I won't bore you.

So, now add this latest occurence to the mix, and my belief is substantiated, the Fall is always a special time of year for me. It always brings a rememberence of things past, and both dread and hope for the future. Most of all, it makes me feel alive again.

Too often in my life I've felt as if I'm coasting, in so many ways. Mentally, phsically, finacially, spiritually, and especially emotionally. Not in the Fall though. These last months of the year bring out the life in me, and honestly makes me wish it were a year round feeling. But, it's not, and there's not much that can change that.

Again, I hope this doesn't sound depressing, because it's not meant to be. I look forward to what the coming months bring, even if it's bad, because I know it will make me feel more alive. Is that selfish? Sure, but it's the way I feel.

Not sure how many others feel the same, but I honestly hope some of you do. When the wind gets colder and blows harder; when you can't stop sneezing, and your feet won't stay warm, I'm right there with you, feeling and loving every damn minute of it.